Surviving Middle School

        Written By: Isabelle Saunders  

Middle school: the epitome of adjustment. New emotions, new responsibilities, new drama, new acne. You are learning who you are while juggling school work in volumes you’re not used to. For the majority of students, it is fair to say that middle school is a challenge. And challenges are often good. But something like middle school doesn’t have to be unpleasant for your child if you know how to navigate it. This is a blog for both parents and educators of new middle schoolers.

Your child is not quite on the border between childhood and adulthood. They are still a child, and this is something that should be stated up front. Though responsibility is good and beneficial in reasonable amounts, keep this in mind when placing pressure on your child.  

On the other hand, middle school is a time of almost unrivaled brain growth. Your child wants a taste of independence. They want to hang out with their friends (which is highly beneficial to development!), and to get a feel for what it’s like having their own life. Parents, allow a little slack on the leash. The growth is gradual, so it’s hard to know when to give your child new freedoms, but reaching middle school is a good and clear milestone. It is advised to let students pick their own partners in class, and to encourage constructive communication among peers.

You have full control over how you treat your middle schooler. 

It’s all about balance. 

Be solution-based. Though you should trust your child, you should also remember that as a middle schooler, their perception may not always be the closest to reality. It’s not malicious, it’s just a matter of brain development. Don’t let them wallow in teen angst- let them confide in you, but don't let them sit around feeling sorry for themselves without trying to take necessary action.

Encourage accountability. In elementary school, your child’s teacher might have had weekly emails or sent home a pre-packed folder of homework. Things aren’t so centralized in middle school- there are more teachers, more assignments, and more variables. As much as you may like to, you will not be able to be on top of all your child’s homework. So you have to make sure they are. Instead of hovering over them and preventing independence, communicate that they need to be responsible and stay conscious of their work. If they don’t have one already, it would be beneficial to get them a planner to keep track of school deadlines and social events. Middle school is largely undocumented after the fact: it doesn’t go on any transcipts. Mistakes are okay as long as you learn from them. 

You as a teacher have the opportunity for a learning experience. If you only have control over the proceedings of your class, that’s fine. Even one class makes a positive difference. 

You may feel pressure to become unreasonably strict on your students. You may perceive this as helping them adjust to a stricter environment and life. But you have to acknowledge that at this age, children are individual people with their own academic and social needs. It’s not one size fits all, and it’s far more effective to treat them like people. Of course you should exercise authority when you need to, but consider this:

Would you, a child with newly raging hormones and social matters, be more willing to learn from: 

1. A rigid adult obsessed with asserting authority who punishes students beyond reason

2. An understanding adult who acknowledges that you are your own person and tries to meet you where you are 

Allow movement. Students should not have to sit still for hours on end if they don’t want to. Especially for ADHD students, it can prove counterintuitive when they end up being distracted by not being able to move.
Make room for choices. As aforementioned, middle school kids are looking for a little independence. While the benevolent dictatorship route may cut down on complications, it also makes kids used to having decisions made for them, which will not help their adjustment later on in life. 

Middle school is a land of compromises and balance. The thing to remember as both a parent and an educator is that an understanding mindset is crucial. They’re kids, but they’re getting ready to get ready to not be that way. 

Check out these sources for more information: 

https://www.2peasandadog.com/2019/05/teaching-middle-school-students.html

https://www.veritasacademy.com/headmasters-blog/how-to-help-your-child-navigate-middle-school-thrive-in-high-school

https://www.moms.com/navigate-middle-school-years/

Top Tips for a Less Stressful College Application Process

By DC College Counseling

The college process can be overwhelming. If you’re reading this post, you probably know that already! Parents want to spend their children’s last couple of years at home enjoying time with one another… but all too often, nagging and stress about applying to college can get in the way. We have helped hundreds of families navigate through this time, and are here to offer some of our top tips for keeping your stress level down and family relationships intact!

1. Start Early

We can’t emphasize this enough! The one thing that is guaranteed to raise parent and student stress levels is rushing to get an application submitted by the deadline. At DC College Counseling, we require that our students have every application submitted a minimum of two weeks before the deadline, and most of our students actually click submit months before! https://www.dccollegecounseling.com/

If you are the parent of a junior or senior, welcome to the active part of their college admissions process! Juniors should be spending the next couple of months thinking critically about their extracurricular profiles, building their college lists, and taking advantage of those fall and winter breaks to complete college visits. After the holidays, essay work can begin! Winter and spring should involve the completion of the main college essay, initial supplemental essay work, and the compilation of content for counselor and teacher letters of recommendation. 

The earlier juniors start, the more they can stretch out this work over a longer period of time. Nothing will seem particularly overwhelming this way, and everything will be done before senior year begins - eliminating the need to juggle senior-level coursework alongside college essays!

If you already have a senior and haven’t gotten very far in the process, don’t panic! Keep reading for more tips that can help your family keep the stress levels at bay.

2. Stay Organized

If you are working with an independent consultant or a dedicated school counselor, you may already have an organizational system in place to keep track of your applications (we use Asana with our students, which you can read more about on our blog). But if you are tackling this process as a family, it is critical to make sure that everyone is on the same page throughout the process. Staying organized and knowing all of the deadlines and components for each application is crucial to maintaining your sanity! 

One actionable tip is to maintain one list that you can update in real time. An app like Asana or Trello can work well for this, but even a Google Sheet that both parents and students can access will work wonders here!

On a related note, it is vitally important for your student to do their research about which application components each of their schools require and when. There could be “hidden” essays that they don’t immediately see on the Common Application, or earlier deadlines for scholarship consideration that are not widely advertised. Their organizational system is only as good as the information they have, so make sure they keep track of all those deadlines and they won’t sneak up on your family!

3. Balance Your List

Every spring, our inbox fills with panicked emails from parents of seniors whose students have “no options” after admissions decisions come in. This is usually code for a student that has applied to a ton of reaches, with maybe one or two safeties that they haven’t thought too much about, or even ones that they actively do NOT want to attend. 

One of the easiest ways to minimize stress is to have a balanced list that is full of schools that will make your student happy! Without a doubt, there are some fantastic, less selective schools that your student might really love to attend, and that will provide a great education.

If you’re wondering whether your student’s list is balanced, ask to see scattergrams on Naviance or Scoir (software that most high schools use to track application data from their own applicants). Parents are often shocked when they see, for example, that no student from their child’s high school has been admitted to Duke in ten years - but wouldn’t you rather know this kind of information in advance?

Doing just a bit more research up front, particularly when it comes to likely and target schools, can give your student a lot of breathing room later in the process. No matter what happens, they will have several options they love!

4. Ask for Help

Depending on your situation, your student probably has varying levels of support when it comes to the college admissions process. Some school counselors have smaller caseloads than others, some families choose to work with an educational consulting firm like ours, and some students have older siblings that just went through the process and can pass on valuable insight. No matter which camp your student falls into, it is important to make sure they have a support system and are seeking help when they need it.

If it fits your budget, bringing in some professional help can ease your stress - whether that is an educational consultant, a test prep tutor, or an essay coach. But there are plenty of free resources, too, that your student can maximize for help with the process. We particularly like the “College Admissions” course from Khan Academy, which walks students through much of what they need to know. If your student is a  junior just beginning their search, we also recommend creating an account on the Princeton Review’s website and checking out YouVisit for virtual tours. 

No matter who you are, don’t be afraid to ask for help and reach out to others during this time! The college admissions  process can be difficult and intense, and you don’t need to go through it alone.

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For more tips, check out our Less Stress Parenting webinar on Wednesday, September 29, presented by Illuminos and Staying Ahead of the Game. We hope to see you there!

Helicopter Parenting

Everyone talks about helicopter parents, but what exactly does that mean? Parents & Teenagers, a book written by Dr. Hiam Ginott, interviewed teenagers about their parents and they described them as hovering over them just like helicopters. Dr. Ginott also describes helicopter parenting as any behavior where parents are overly involved in the child's life. This type of parenting usually involves teenagers but can show up at any age. Many times, parents may start calling their teachers, become overly involved in play time, or try to complete or do the majority of their homework. 

Reading this, you may be thinking…”wow that is over the top.” However, helicopter parenting comes from a good place. There is no one size fits all with this type of parenting but usually the root cause is misplaced concern for their child. 

We often see helicopter parenting with parents who are anxious. They may feel they don’t have control over their own lives and therefore try to control their child’s. The need for control usually lies within their past; potentially parents who felt neglected or unloved as a child overcompensate in this area. In addition, some parents want to protect their children from failure, bad grades or negative interactions with their peers. Therefore, they hover over their child so this doesn't happen. Lastly, just like children, parents can feel peer pressure as well. If they see other parents using this style of parenting, they may feel pressured to “keep up” with the other parents. 

The Consequences

Being an engaged parent is always wonderful, however there is a big difference between an engaged parent and a helicopter parent. A helicopter parent may be shielding their child from failure and disappointment for the short term but the reality is we all need to fail at some point to succeed. A part of growing up is to learn lessons and change from them. 

Doing too much for a child causes lack of self confidence. Although parents don’t intend to, doing too much for their children makes them believe they are not capable of it or their parents don’t trust them.

Another negative result of this parenting style is, when things inevitably do go wrong, usually children who have helicopter parents often don’t have the coping skills to handle it. If a parent always made sure that a child never had to face disappointment or clean up a mess, those children have been denied the opportunity to learn the coping skills that will get them through life.

The end result of helicopter parenting is never good. Lack of coping skills turns into two main things: Entitlement or Anxiety. Children who have never experienced failure sometimes develop feelings that everything will always go their way and in some ways feel that they deserve it. Many times this leads to them acting entitled or spoiled. Another attitude that manifests from this is anxiety. Children who have never faced disappointment or failure can lead to anxiety about letting people down. Regardless if entitlement or anxiety manifests, deep rooted issues can come from helicopter parenting. 

Avoiding Helicopter Parenting

There is no simple answer to avoid being a helicopter parent. There are a few things that you can keep in mind when parenting. Awareness is a huge part of parenting, realizing what is overbearing and what is the appropriate amount of involvement is key. In addition, knowing what is age appropriate to allow them to begin to overcome challenges on their own. What is necessary and appropriate for a 4 year old is not the same for a teenager. Being aware of the differences between the ages is extremely important.