Surviving Middle School

        Written By: Isabelle Saunders  

Middle school: the epitome of adjustment. New emotions, new responsibilities, new drama, new acne. You are learning who you are while juggling school work in volumes you’re not used to. For the majority of students, it is fair to say that middle school is a challenge. And challenges are often good. But something like middle school doesn’t have to be unpleasant for your child if you know how to navigate it. This is a blog for both parents and educators of new middle schoolers.

Your child is not quite on the border between childhood and adulthood. They are still a child, and this is something that should be stated up front. Though responsibility is good and beneficial in reasonable amounts, keep this in mind when placing pressure on your child.  

On the other hand, middle school is a time of almost unrivaled brain growth. Your child wants a taste of independence. They want to hang out with their friends (which is highly beneficial to development!), and to get a feel for what it’s like having their own life. Parents, allow a little slack on the leash. The growth is gradual, so it’s hard to know when to give your child new freedoms, but reaching middle school is a good and clear milestone. It is advised to let students pick their own partners in class, and to encourage constructive communication among peers.

You have full control over how you treat your middle schooler. 

It’s all about balance. 

Be solution-based. Though you should trust your child, you should also remember that as a middle schooler, their perception may not always be the closest to reality. It’s not malicious, it’s just a matter of brain development. Don’t let them wallow in teen angst- let them confide in you, but don't let them sit around feeling sorry for themselves without trying to take necessary action.

Encourage accountability. In elementary school, your child’s teacher might have had weekly emails or sent home a pre-packed folder of homework. Things aren’t so centralized in middle school- there are more teachers, more assignments, and more variables. As much as you may like to, you will not be able to be on top of all your child’s homework. So you have to make sure they are. Instead of hovering over them and preventing independence, communicate that they need to be responsible and stay conscious of their work. If they don’t have one already, it would be beneficial to get them a planner to keep track of school deadlines and social events. Middle school is largely undocumented after the fact: it doesn’t go on any transcipts. Mistakes are okay as long as you learn from them. 

You as a teacher have the opportunity for a learning experience. If you only have control over the proceedings of your class, that’s fine. Even one class makes a positive difference. 

You may feel pressure to become unreasonably strict on your students. You may perceive this as helping them adjust to a stricter environment and life. But you have to acknowledge that at this age, children are individual people with their own academic and social needs. It’s not one size fits all, and it’s far more effective to treat them like people. Of course you should exercise authority when you need to, but consider this:

Would you, a child with newly raging hormones and social matters, be more willing to learn from: 

1. A rigid adult obsessed with asserting authority who punishes students beyond reason

2. An understanding adult who acknowledges that you are your own person and tries to meet you where you are 

Allow movement. Students should not have to sit still for hours on end if they don’t want to. Especially for ADHD students, it can prove counterintuitive when they end up being distracted by not being able to move.
Make room for choices. As aforementioned, middle school kids are looking for a little independence. While the benevolent dictatorship route may cut down on complications, it also makes kids used to having decisions made for them, which will not help their adjustment later on in life. 

Middle school is a land of compromises and balance. The thing to remember as both a parent and an educator is that an understanding mindset is crucial. They’re kids, but they’re getting ready to get ready to not be that way. 

Check out these sources for more information: 

https://www.2peasandadog.com/2019/05/teaching-middle-school-students.html

https://www.veritasacademy.com/headmasters-blog/how-to-help-your-child-navigate-middle-school-thrive-in-high-school

https://www.moms.com/navigate-middle-school-years/

The Best Investment You Can Make For Your Teen

By Dr. Cam, Family Success Coach

Your teenager’s most fundamental need is to feel loved by YOU. When your child feels unconditionally loved by you he is better equipped to handle the bumpy road of adolescence.

​You’re probably thinking, “Of course I love my teen. She knows that!” But you may be surprised. Your teen needs constant, consistent affirmation of your love. More importantly, your positive interactions with your teen must outweigh the negative.

​Think of it like a bank account that takes relational currency.

​Relational currency is an act or statement that expresses love, care, or concern for another person. Every time you show your teen affection, it’s like making a deposit into his account. The more deposits you make, the more he'll feel connected and supported by you, even during difficult times.

​On the other side of the coin, every negative interaction is a withdrawal.

​If you withdraw more than you deposit, you deplete your teen’s account, leaving your teen feeling abandoned and unloved. Instead of expressing that to you, she may misbehave, act out at school, have a tantrum, or rebel. This turns opportunities for connection into power struggles, which leave everyone angry and discouraged. That leads to even more negative interaction.

​The goal is to keep your teen’s emotional account as full as possible. That way, when the inevitable clash arises, your teen has enough relational currency to cover it.

​When you keep your teen’s emotional bank account full, you're able to form a stronger connection between the two of you. A strong connection leads to better communication, deeper understanding, and will drastically improve your relationship with your teen.

​The more you invest new, the more your teen will prosper later.

Cameron (Dr. Cam) Caswell, PhD, the “teen translator,” is an adolescent psychologist, family success coach, host of the Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam podcast and Parenting Teens Power Hour, and is the author of Power Phrases for Parents: Teen Edition. For over a decade, she has been helping parents build strong, positive relationships with their teens through improved communication, connection, and understanding using her PRIME Parenting Method. Dr. Cam is the mom of a teen too, so she not only talks the talk, she walks the walk!

Visit Dr. Cam’s website: www.askdrcam.com

Thank you for your insightful guest blog, Dr. Cam. Don't forget to join Wendy Weinberger, President and COO of Illuminos Academic Coaching & Tutoring, as she speaks with Dr.Cam on the Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam podcast. Tune in via Facebook Live (on Dr. Cam's Facebook page) at 9:30am EST on Tuesday, August 3. Then, join Illuminos and Staying Ahead of the Game on Monday, August 9, at 12pm EST for Dr. Cam discussing "3 Secrets to Communicating with Your Teen." Register for this free "Less Stress" Parenting discussion by clicking here.

Parent-Teacher Communication

Written by: Isabelle Saunders

During the school week, a child will spend an equal amount of their day at school and at home. This leads, in many ways, to a dual tutelage of the child, a partnership of upbringing between teachers and parents. How important, then, is proper cooperation between these key figures in a child’s life? 

Teachers and parents each have their own domain: consecutively, school and home/outside of school. It is essential to a flourishing academic life that the gap between the two domains is bridged in a healthy and productive way. During this season of long-distance learning, this bridge is more important than ever before. 

This begs the question: how? 

How parents can reach out 

While parents may find themselves scratching their heads when asked by their child for help with homework, they’re still able to play an active role in their education. 

• Schedule a parent-teacher conference for a proactive method of head-on conversation. Ask teachers how you can get involved, be it helping your child get more sleep to improve attentiveness or quizzing them before tests. If a student is struggling, they are also encouraged to attend to provide personal input and talk through what would work best for them. 

• Talk to your child. Ask them what would edify them, taking into consideration their unique method of learning and working. Their points will give you a foundation on which to build your discussion with their teacher.

• Help your child’s teacher set goals for them. It’s helpful for a student to have something concrete and attainable that they can work towards. 

• Engage multiple teachers. For students who have a different teacher for each subject, it’s a good idea to have them discuss how best to instruct your child. Say, for example, your child loves art class, but is less enthusiastic about math. Those two teachers will likely see different behavior and levels of engagement from your child, and the math teacher could discuss with the art teacher which techniques to use to best assist your child. Teachers learn from each other, just like parents. 

  How teachers can reach out

• Don’t be afraid to contact a parent just for the sake of good news. Any parent loves to hear that their child is an asset to class discussions, or really gave it their all on a recent project. Sharing a student’s progress with their parents is an easy way to boost their confidence. 

• Regular feedback: when trying to help a student through a difficult patch in their studies, it’s crucial to update their parents. Tell them how they can meet their child where they are, and how they can help at home. 

• Talk to school administrators about hosting school events. Fun, easygoing activities at school can help foster positive relationships between staff and guardians. To adhere to social distancing rules, try hosting events over video conferencing or in the form of a drive-in. 

• Utilize multiple methods of contact. Communication isn’t a glove perfectly shaped to fit one way. Apart from face-to-face meetings, consider practices such as handwritten notes, emails, and phone calls. 

• Ask about a child’s personal interests. If you’re a math teacher who can’t seem to get through to a child, and their parents say they’re artistic, consider using visual or artistic teaching methods with that child as a form of personalization. A tailor-made education will always be more helpful than a “one size fits all” education. 

Benefits 

No child wants to see school as a tempest they have to weather, struggling to keep their head above the water. Especially in the wake of distance learning, many students feel that they’re in danger of being plowed over due to the subsequent lack of direct contact and all it entails. By exercising the strategies detailed above, educators and parents can work together to help students feel more engaged in their own academic life. In the end, the student doesn’t just memorize a bare concept of subjects they’ll forget after a test; they can fully grasp and understand the subject, further growing a well-rounded and truly useful education. 

For more information on parent-teacher relationships, check out the links below: 

https://www.readingrockets.org/article/building-parent-teacher-relationships

https://www.pbisrewards.com/blog/improving-parent-teacher-communication/

Building a Support System for Students

We know that it takes a village to raise a child, but I would argue that the same holds true for shepherding a student through K-12 education – and even beyond. The Heckscher Foundation estimates that there are over nine million youth in the United States without a caring adult in their lives, and while the foundation advocates mentoring specifically from the private sector, I assert that the most effective web of support for a student is three-part: parents, teachers, and a mentor.

 Parents

Parents play the most crucial role in the development of a child – they are the most consistent and long-term relationship the student will have. A parent’s role in their child’s education is to provide the longstanding perspective. Parents can identify their child’s needs and communicate them with the other members of the support system. 

Children also need to feel that their parents are interested in the various aspects of their lives. This means carving out fun family time as well as monitoring the student’s academic performance. If the only message that a child hears from his parent is the berating message “Have you finished your homework?” This will risk creating an uneasy dynamic in the relationship or inducing anxiety that will show its effects in grades or emotional health. 

Nonetheless, parents are well-placed to play the role of the authoritative monitor to keep their children accountable. The limits they set for their children with screen time and curfews can also promote a responsible sense of scheduling, workflow management, and a healthy work-life balance. They also have the luxury of having their relationship with their children evolve over time. 

 Teachers

Although teachers change every year, at six or more hours per day, they are the person a student has the longest daily contact with. Teachers also have the most training out of the three parties and can astutely assess areas in a student’s life to strengthen as well as make recommendations on how to do so. However, while most teachers are competent and well-meaning, the reality is that they are often responsible for more than twenty pupils at any given time and cannot meet the individual needs that a student may have. 

On the other hand, students that show initiative and engagement with the subject matter are rarely turned away. Students having a particularly hard time in a class should set up an individual appointment with the teacher after school or during lunch to discuss the issue, whether it be with the curriculum itself or the modality of evaluation. This proactivity will likely gain extra empathy from the teacher and lead to creative problem solving or accommodations to address their concerns . Ultimately, the teacher is someone that the student has a vested interest in having on their side.

 Mentors

Mentors are the last piece of the puzzle of student success. These mentors could take many forms: tutors, volunteers from the private sector, or coaches. Whatever title that the mentor may have, their niche in the student’s life remains the same; they are neither a peer nor an authoritative figure. This means that the mentor can – and must – build an organic relationship with his mentee all the while providing advice informed by life experience. 

As an academic coach, I often tell my students, “Part of being a good friend is helping you think through the consequences of your actions.” This means that when a student doesn’t invest enough time in their time management, organization, studying, or behavioral problems, I help them draw the line between these causes and their stress, late nights, poor results, and/or punishments. However, a good mentor shouldn’t leave his student in a state of despair by only pointing out the negative but offer practical solutions on improvement for the future. And as with the parents, there must be more of a message being transmitted than, “Do this” and “Don’t do that.” This means taking the time to listen to the student about their day, friends, and interests.

Mentors also provide the student with the advantage of having a relationship tailored to their needs. 

The Network

Student success is facilitated when all the moving pieces of the machine are working in harmony and communicating with each other. Parents should be voicing their child’s needs; teachers should offer their observations and expertise; and mentors should relay relevant information that a student may not feel comfortable sharing with an authoritative figure. Practically, having periodical check-ins with the different parties in person or over email is a good habit to adopt.

The common belief a student needs to have in parents, teachers, and mentors is that they want him to succeed. On top of providing subject support and demanding excellence, a student’s support system must be just that – supportive. The adults must be the student’s biggest cheerleaders and believe in his potential.

Academic success transcends the boundaries of the classroom and the bubbles of a scantron – it requires building an entire environment that is monitoring and addressing a student’s academic and socio-emotional needs from tutoring to mental health. It may take a village, but all the village needs to be is attentive and supportive.

Written by: Coach Daniel Aste

How to Raise a Happy Child

All parents want their kids to be happy and healthy but  sometimes we don't know how to make them happy or build self confidence. We are not perfect and need some guidance along the way. See below for 16 tips on how to raise happy children. 

1. Acknowledge that everything you know is wrong. 

Everything science tells us to do to make our kids happy we are not doing. Admit this to your children. 

2. Stop giving them everything.

Kids are much happier when they give to others rather than receiving, Giving back also allows them to see the happiness they contributed to someone else's life.

3. Let them do it for themselves. 

At a young age, we need to let our children learn how to do things on their own. It will help them grow independence. When they grow older it shouldn’t be about control it should be about mentoring and guiding them. 

4. Unschedule a little. 

If your child's schedule is jammed pack every day, take a look at what can be dropped so they have time to go outside and be with their friends. 

5. Hit your own pause button. 

Your stress level can have an impact on your children. If you are carpooling kids all day long from activity to activity take a look at what you can cut out to maintain your happiness. 

6. Make time for others. 

Make sure your child has real life encounters with others to promote social skills. 

7. Collaboration on the rules. 

Instead of giving a child a rule, ask them to contribute to it. If you have a teenager and you want their curfew to be 10 and they ask for 11, meet halfway and change it to 10:30. A little bit of compromise goes a long way with children being able to make their own responsible decisions. 

8. Find the “just right” solution for each child. 

Every child and their needs are different. Something that may have worked for one of your children may not work for the other. Find what works for each child. 

9. Quality time is key.

Quality time and unconditional love are key components of a happy child. Use bedtime as a way to connect without other people around. Read a book together or talk about their day. This makes them feel special and important. 

10. Get outside. 

Kids who may have attention struggles or have a lot of energy, take them outside and get on their level. Playing and engaging with them connects you in a different way. 

11.  Play to their strengths. 

Zoning in on a specific strength for a child is great for their self confidence. Praising them for their efforts in a positive way will become an internal voice for them. 

12. Don't forget the basic needs. 

Many kids are involved in so many after school activities and are shuffled around from activity to activity. Remembering that a well balanced meal and a good night's sleep can go a long way. 

13. Check yourself. 

The way you carry yourself affects your children. If you are anxious, your kids can pick up on those emotions and will begin to echo your tone of voice. Being able to control your moods and engage in self regulation is an important responsibility as a parent. 

14. Rethink Consequences 

Sometimes rather than implementing consequences, it is important to realize that this is an opportunity to teach and allow your child to grow. Let them tell you about their emotions because they could be struggling with how to deal with them. In addition, maybe giving them an opportunity to take responsibility for their actions can be a great teaching moment. 

15. Focus on your relationship. 

Developing a relationship with your child is key to their happiness. Being able to connect with them is crucial in their happiness and development. 

16. Just ask...them

You would be surprised about how honest kids are. If you want to know what makes them happy…..ask. 

 https://mom.com/kids/secrets-to-raising-happy-children/just-ask-them

Helicopter Parenting

Everyone talks about helicopter parents, but what exactly does that mean? Parents & Teenagers, a book written by Dr. Hiam Ginott, interviewed teenagers about their parents and they described them as hovering over them just like helicopters. Dr. Ginott also describes helicopter parenting as any behavior where parents are overly involved in the child's life. This type of parenting usually involves teenagers but can show up at any age. Many times, parents may start calling their teachers, become overly involved in play time, or try to complete or do the majority of their homework. 

Reading this, you may be thinking…”wow that is over the top.” However, helicopter parenting comes from a good place. There is no one size fits all with this type of parenting but usually the root cause is misplaced concern for their child. 

We often see helicopter parenting with parents who are anxious. They may feel they don’t have control over their own lives and therefore try to control their child’s. The need for control usually lies within their past; potentially parents who felt neglected or unloved as a child overcompensate in this area. In addition, some parents want to protect their children from failure, bad grades or negative interactions with their peers. Therefore, they hover over their child so this doesn't happen. Lastly, just like children, parents can feel peer pressure as well. If they see other parents using this style of parenting, they may feel pressured to “keep up” with the other parents. 

The Consequences

Being an engaged parent is always wonderful, however there is a big difference between an engaged parent and a helicopter parent. A helicopter parent may be shielding their child from failure and disappointment for the short term but the reality is we all need to fail at some point to succeed. A part of growing up is to learn lessons and change from them. 

Doing too much for a child causes lack of self confidence. Although parents don’t intend to, doing too much for their children makes them believe they are not capable of it or their parents don’t trust them.

Another negative result of this parenting style is, when things inevitably do go wrong, usually children who have helicopter parents often don’t have the coping skills to handle it. If a parent always made sure that a child never had to face disappointment or clean up a mess, those children have been denied the opportunity to learn the coping skills that will get them through life.

The end result of helicopter parenting is never good. Lack of coping skills turns into two main things: Entitlement or Anxiety. Children who have never experienced failure sometimes develop feelings that everything will always go their way and in some ways feel that they deserve it. Many times this leads to them acting entitled or spoiled. Another attitude that manifests from this is anxiety. Children who have never faced disappointment or failure can lead to anxiety about letting people down. Regardless if entitlement or anxiety manifests, deep rooted issues can come from helicopter parenting. 

Avoiding Helicopter Parenting

There is no simple answer to avoid being a helicopter parent. There are a few things that you can keep in mind when parenting. Awareness is a huge part of parenting, realizing what is overbearing and what is the appropriate amount of involvement is key. In addition, knowing what is age appropriate to allow them to begin to overcome challenges on their own. What is necessary and appropriate for a 4 year old is not the same for a teenager. Being aware of the differences between the ages is extremely important.